I’m a big fan of convenience food products. You know, instant ramen, frozen TV dinners, that sort of thing. They’re convenient, and when I’m hungry, they’re great because they’re quick and easy to make.
But one thing I cannot understand anyone buying is bottled simple syrup. I think the companies selling simple syrup in a bottle are committing highway robbery. I can only imagine how this scam started…
As a marketing executive at a beverage company, Ryan had his apartment well-stocked with various beverages. Juice, soda, various spirits, you name it. He loved having people over for drinks. Especially attractive women with loose morals who were willing to sleep with him. He always thought that his skill in mixing drinks led to his success in mixing bodily fluids.
One night, when he was at the local nightclub, as he often was, he picked up a hot young woman. She was what he always looked for: young, attractive, just dumb enough to easily fall for his lines. After pulling out a few of his signature pick-up lines, and leaning over just enough so she could look down his open shirt at his chiseled chest and abs, Ryan had her snagged. She followed him around the club like a duckling following its mother. He could barely finish the question “Wanna come to my place?” before she answered with a breathless “yes.”
This young brunette’s dress was practically falling off her body. Her slender frame was barely enough to hold it up, despite its tightness. Only her perky breasts and the occasional, instinctive tug due to modesty were what held her dress up. And Ryan couldn’t wait for that thing to come off.
They soon reached his apartment. Before he could even close the door behind them, they were making out like their lives depended on it. Suddenly, the woman halted their make-out session. I haven’t even undressed you, Ryan lamented silently. “I’m thirsty,” she said. “Could I have a drink?”
Could she have a drink? Here, in the chambers of the master of drinks? Of course! She requested a gimlet. He had this one memorized. Vodka, lime juice, simple syrup. Plain and simple.
While she sat down on his plush leather couch, he rushed to the kitchen to make her a drink. He could hear her unzipping her dress. Apparently, she planned to get comfortable before having this drink. He could feel his juices flowing already. Vodka in the freezer, limes and simple syrup in the fridge. Everything in its place. The vodka was icy cold. The limes were bright green.
But when Ryan reached for his bottle of simple syrup, he found that it was empty. Not to worry, he always had plenty of sugar on hand. He poured two cups of sugar along with a cup of water into a saucepan, and turned up the heat. “Where’s my drink?” said his latest catch, impatiently from the living room.
“It’s coming soon,” Ryan shouted back, wishing he had a secret superpower to make water boil instantly. He was still as hard as a rock, imagining the nasty things he would do with her when he finished making this drink. A minute passed, and the water was getting warm, but not fast enough. Why is this taking so long to heat up? He knew he should have gotten the handyman to look at the stove the last time he was here.
“I’m getting tired of waiting!” she said from the living room. Great, she has to be one of those impatient hot girls, Ryan said to himself. He could hear her gathering her clothes and getting up to leave. He tried to reason with her. She wouldn’t listen. She was barely dressed when she slammed the door in his face.
Dejected, Ryan trudged back to the kitchen. The sugar had finally dissolved in the water. Why couldn’t he have found a hot girl who wasn’t crazy? It was just a drink, for heaven’s sake. If she had waited a couple of more minutes, they could have both been in his bed, lubricated by alcohol and bodily fluids. But it just wasn’t meant to be. His feelings were as blue as his balls.
The next day at work, he kept trying to figure out what went wrong. Other than the fact that she was crazy, it was that it took so damn long to make simple syrup. It’s just sugar and water. Then, he suddenly thought of another product his company could sell. Pre-made simple syrup. People would buy dozens of bottles of this. A lot of people just want some simple syrup on hand for the random cocktail that needs it, and not have to bother making it in a saucepan and stashing it in the fridge. Not to mention he would’ve gotten laid last night if he had had a bottle on hand.
Ryan pitched the idea to the executives. They loved it. Soon, his company was selling bottles of sugar water for a massive profit.
The thing about simple syrup is that it’s so incredibly easy to make. So when I see it being sold for far more than what the sugar and water required to make that amount of simple syrup would cost, it just makes me go insane.
I’ve devised an even more convenient way of making simple syrup than heating up water in a saucepan and dissolving sugar in it. Now there is no excuse to buy the pre-made stuff!
Simple Syrup
1 cup sugar
1/2 cup water
Note that I’m using a 2:1 ratio of sugar to water, since I like sweet drinks. You can do 3:2 or 1:1, depending on your taste.
So here’s an easy way to make simple syrup. First, you just put the sugar in a large cup that can hold boiling water.
I used a thick beer glass. Then, you just bring some water to a boil. I used an electric kettle for this, which boils water very quickly. Once the water boils, pour 1/2 cup of boiling water over the sugar.
There will be some bubbling. Then, just take a spoon and stir it.
Eventually, it will turn clear, and you have simple syrup. Now, I have no idea why the water level goes down between pouring the water in and when the sugar completely dissolves in the water. Maybe there was air between the sugar crystals or something.
I pour my simple syrup into a squeeze bottle and stash it in the fridge, and then I have simple syrup for any cocktail that requires it!
Since I had some freshly-made simple syrup, in addition to a new set of cool-looking glasses to put cocktails in, what better way to enjoy both than an old-fashioned vodka gimlet?
Vodka Gimlet
2 oz vodka
1 oz lime juice
0.5 oz simple syrup
lime slice
Such a simple drink. And yet, so delicious. The tartness of the lime juice masks the flavor of the vodka, creating a tart, very drinkable cocktail. I love the simple, clean taste of a vodka gimlet.